Ave, Mors, Caesar te salutant

Wednesday, 30th June 2025

I'm writing this with a high level of mental fatigue. I'm stumbling across probably the lowest I've been this year, or much more than that. I've slept like only 2 hours last night. I'm figthing against a several case of insomnia, since almost one week. I go to bed early, I try to not use electronics, but still, my head is just filled with a lot of thoughts - mostly negative ones - and I can't fall asleep. No matter how hard I try, how tired I am at that moment, how hard I press my eyes, I can't do it.

I'm going to try to separate and put on words these damn thoughts, hoping that it would help to spill them out my head, and make me feel any better.

Deathconsciousness

This one is the worst, by far; since it doesn't have an actual solution/escape. The thought of death, the concept of it, it really breaks my hearth - I wrote about this last year. But this fear it's only growing worse, so bad it slips out of my hands and I can't control it. At this current time, I don't feel like explain it detailed; it is late at night when the words come to my mind like a constant dark storm, so damn strong it parallizes me, and I can't write in that state. Fortunalely, I wrote some lines some months ago, which I sended to her - see previous entry - so it hurts me to enter that chat, but I'll do it for this diary's sake.

I started thiking about my history with anxiety. It started when I was 13, when I started become conscious seriously about death and existentialist themes. Thinking about death always provoked me a sensation of complete body paralysis, I feel how my chest deepens and my head gets drained completely; I sense the proper infinite void inside my body, don't need to exaggerate. It's an overwhelming sensation, that blocks movement, letting me with wide open eyes staring into nothingness. It's an immense fear, a cosmic terror of ancestral roots, that we all carry hidden in DNA, to a certain extent. After a while of my mind floating on limbo, the primitive instinct of fight/flee activates, but, how I'm supposed to fight to avoid my own death? how do I escape from her? It can't be done, nobody can; it isn't something you can face with shield and sword, or dodging it and pretending it doesn't exists. Nothing in this world can escape from the worst caractheristic of this universe. Thinking about that someday I will no longer be around, that I will return to nothingness, that never ever in universe's history I would be able to come back; my consciousness would get lost forever, definetively, eternally, and there's no turning back.Added to that, all my loving ones would experience the same. Maybe I'm selfish, but it's seems unfair to me. I don't like to think about that.

Ave, Mors. All the Caesars salute you. None can escape —not the mighty, nor the wealthy, nor the triumphant. Even the rulers of this world must bow. And so, we lower our heads... and resign.

I think that reading the "Deathconsciousness booklet" by Have a Nice Life didn't help me at all to this thing. I mean, it's an awesome text, and it presents an interesting point of view of death, but it's also a very obscure and depressing one. I recommend it, but only if you're not in a bad situation in your life, it would only darken your thoughts.

«Death is not the opposite of life but an innate part of it. By living our lives, we nurture death.»

— Haruki Murakami, Norwegian wood.

Anxiety

For at that time, to a young teenage, facing that was impossible. I've had severe panic attacks, to the point of breaking down crying on the floor. It was simply too much to handle for a small heart like that. I suffered from tachychardia and I hyperventilated. I thought that I was going to die from any bullshit, or every minimal weird thing that I noticed on my body. My chest hurt, I felt a terrible pang on the heart. After some time, the attacks ceased completely, I couldn't tell why. And so many years of my life passed, thinking about death only occasionaly, but without anxiety attacks, until my 17's more or less. They came back, until now, but less frequent and milder. Now they are not only unleashed by the above factors, but also the sum of the new responsibilities and changes, that I'm experiencing now, becoming a young adult. I'm taking anxiolytics, without prescription, but only when I need them.

Existential dread

That's the human condition, we are so intelligent to have consciousness, buy not enough to find answers. How many people my age does experience similar situations? It's difficult to me to wonder. Everyone seem to live like there's always a tomorrow, only preocupied by vanities, the superficial, and prying into the lives of others. I don't like living in a world like this. I feel like the only ones that comprehend me, are just a pile of dead philosophers. They're more alive through the pages than most people living today. Sooner or later, we'll find out the answer to the ugliest question of this life.

I have to stop thinking about this bullshit, I know the power the nocebo effect can have over someone.

Isolation

I used to get well with loneliness, I really like it. But these lasts months, I don't find myself comfortable around me alone like the way I did. I barely left my house or go out. I don't talk to my friends almost never. I don't find the energy, nor I don't want to meet any new people, so I'm just here, being god's lonliest man.